I've been away....

Where did you go? 

I went away for a while. I was still hanging on the IG and Twitter but not here.

Not sure where I went,but it really wasn't a vacay. It wasn't pretty. It was sort of like a dark tunnel with no end. It started right after the most fantastic weekend EVER (hello LAS VEGAS!) I lost my job, there was no work, I started working somewhere part time - making a quarter of my usual salary. But yes I had a job. But I didn't feel grateful. More like this.

And reading some blogs made it worse. Everyone was constantly happy, Having personal bests. Running all the races. All the miles. Looking great. Being successful. Being Sofa King Awesome. All the things I wasn't. It got to the point that I would read and see everything as #humblebragging: "Oh look I just ran a gazillion miles, fed the homeless, picked up all my free stuff from my sponsors and i am so #grateful". YIKES.

But no matter what I did it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. 

I just got tired. So. Tired. All the freaking time. And couldn't write anything. And could feel like I anything to say. Because I was kind of a failure over in my world. And I was feeling like I was Debbie Downer. And despite battling the flu and still managing a December streak, I still felt like shit all the GD time. Even awesome news was meh.

And finally I had to stop. Baby steps. I got out. Called some peeps. Made some dates. Saw the sights. I didn't "choose happy". I mean, In a a way I did..but for those of us who know anxiety or depression...sometimes choosing ain't all that easy.

But each day in January I chose something. Something to change the overwhelming 'not enough'. Something to ensure I got out. even if it was "only" a walk.  I picked up a phone. I called people. I tweeted. It's the dates that made the difference. I even went a few places on my own. Because if I didnt get my arse out there, I would miss out. And, dammit, I was tired of missing out.

I also had some wine. That helped. Grape is a fruit, FYI. 

Mostly I stopped not talking to people. And then, I stopped crying and feeling so damn awful. I finally got to the point where I reached out and said...hey...whatcha doin? I even got brave with a couple wonderful folks who I know, love and trust. Because I needed help, hugs and a boost. I had stopped asking some people for coffee or a run or a visit...because they are always "too busy". And then I thought...maybe they feel like this too? 

Thank you Cara, Susan, Renee, Cori, Ashley, Melisa and Richelle. 

for listening. for being there. for knowing me and helping. 

And they didn't mind (I don't think) when I just burst into tears in midsentence. 

And suddenly my tunnel got brighter. 

So...am I better. Um no. But I am working on it. Looking for my daily signs. Doing affirmations. Trying my damn dog best to get my training runs done in addition to walking minimum of 5k every day. 

So what does this mean? It means HIHOWAREYOUIMBACK. Little by little. 

It mean DO THIS EVERYDAMNDAY! 

It means I take a breath and start over. I take one step which leads to 10,000 (if your into counting).

I run. And be grateful I CAN run. And be brave. In every day. In small or big things. 

I work on being OK with my situation and making the most of it.