sometimes Running is HARD.

Sometimes running is hard.

If you ever make that statement to someone who doesn't run, you get: 

Why on EARTH do you run? 

What the Hell do you do THAT for? 

How can the even be FUN?

If you run, you might know what I mean when I say it is hard. Hard is relative. Each of us have something about the run that is hard.

The getting up an hour or two early to run. The times that you just wish you could pull those covers over your head. The actual act of running. The burning. The pain of chafe. OMG!!! THE PAIN!! The thought of "I cannot do this!", "Who the eff thought this was a good idea"! The actual physical pain of injury. They physical HURT of not running.

Well THAT sounds fun doesn't it! Who wants to go for a run? (hands shoot up all over the interwebs)

Whoa. This may be a bit heavy compared to some of my sparkly, smiley, holy crap I did it posts.

Sooo then. WHY RUN?

Because despite all those things that might suck (albeit temporarily) something happens on the run.

Because. THIS happens.

The voice that tells you you cannot shuts up and you conquer. Sometimes you learn something while you are running, sometimes it takes days, weeks, months after a run to find the nugget of wisdom that is life changing. You do something you never thought possible. And then you want more.

I am not fast. I don't win age groups. I run for fun. And so no one gets hurt. I run to be awesome.

But, lately, I have had some hard times. And hard runs. And really freaking awesome ones. Since coming back from Arizona in January, I have felt overwhelmed. Not by running. By life. By anxiety.I told one person I needed help. I told another. I went to the doctor, got some medication -- I take a small dose of serotonin. Panic attacks have stopped. The inability to get out bed or stop crying has stopped. I have continued to run - sometimes not as much as I "should" but it is getting better. I don't share this sort of stuff a lot ...cause I sort of don't have a great answer. I have a lot of stress in my life - needing a full time job is overwhelming.

So I run. Some days are great. Some suck. If I didn't run, shit would get serious. I walk every single day - a minimum of 5km every day. Weekly run mileage averages 30-70km. Sometimes higher depending if I have a race.

Not sure why I am sharing ... I just am. Perhaps you might find something useful in it. Perahps it will help you share. With who ever you need to share whatever it is you may need to.

Maybe I need a "Why I Run" post.

What has gotten me through some of this hard wave of dispair is running. Making a run date that i CANNOT break. Having a coffee. Knowing that you have friends who understand and who have "been there" and who get you. Having a silly silly laugh with them.

I also find motivation in small things. Look for those small things - they really do help. I like finding signs when I run (or when I am exploring my city  or visiting others)!

I look for something that speaks to me - there are signs everywhere. Painted on bins, on the pavement. Messages in art. Beauty in nature. 

And yes...the whore sign (which used to be painted on one of my regular trails)

makes me howl with laughter. So that's a good thing. 

Slowly but surely...I am finding light. More Light. Less Worry. 

And it is running -- and all the GOOD that comes from running -- that helps. 

And the amazing people I have let in to tell. 

That I worry. That I am anxious. That I need to run. Let's go. 

So where does this post go? Maybe its my ode to running. Do what you love. Love what you do. It helps you live life. Having friends or family who love you no matter what. THAT is what will get you through any hard time. And, ask for help or a hand if you need it.

So to those who are there for me -- near and far -- 

 over the past few years, the past few months, the past week, and all the miles ...

THANK YOU

I love you

You give me strength and make me want to be and do better.