I thought I had banished that bitch.
Man. Since August I have struggled here and there. Haven't worked full-time. Had some really crappy runs. Got shingles (for the FOURTH time), and well, pretty much let some depressing shit get to me. I wish I could shrug it all off. I sometimes really let it weigh me down. Especially the not working part. BAH!!
Winter has been long and freaking cold. Running has been difficult. I have done it. But I fear that what I HAVE done may be not enough. As in not enough miles. And a Marathon is looming. Oh Thaaaaaaaaaaat old thing. Just what every gal needs to bring out the batshit crazies in a stellar way.
I had gone away to Cali for my Ragnar fun...and it lifted me, show me that hells yeh I was on course. So That was good times. Then I got a call about a job while down there. Yes! Things were coming together.
So then last week when I started a full time job, I expected the weight to lift a little. But. It. Never. And then my phone died. (more on that to come...)
I was juggling trying to transition one contract over to someone else, get new job underway (and it is plagued with some serious deadlines and launch dates an is WAY behind) and making everyone "happy" since I started immediately, yet still had 3 jobs. I was sort of feeling like a spiral outta control.
Had a pretty good, 29k run last saturday!. Then Monday threw up. Woohoo. in the hallway. On my 3rd full day of work. REALLY? Tues and Wed I was just weak and limp.
By Friday I had to run. So I ran home! Added a few hills and got in 7km and felt GREAT!
Saturday in spite of the snow I got in a nice easy 9k before going to my part time job at the running store! Woot. Felt strong.
And no. Even though I have a full time gig I am NOT giving this fun job up! No Way!
And then 20 mins before race is to start, my phone rings. "where are you?" I got you a bib....I texted you. Only I hadn't received texts. GAAAAAAH...my frigging 6 year old 3G iPhone that I'm using til my replacement phone comes clearly was not doing the job....how on earth did I not receive a text?? And, there was no way could I get to race in time. So I did what every normal person does. I had a complete meltdown. a total effing bawling my eyes out asshole moment.
I managed to shake it off. And get into my car and go to the local running room to meet some folks for a run. An still wiping the tears away, I parked and whipped over to join a run group. Just in the nick I joined the folks running 23km. I would just add on a bit at the end. No prob.
But from the get go. Head was elsewhere. First 10km not bad tho... Then next 5km not so bad. Still not really feeling it. Then I fell off pace group and was alone for a bit. In a neighbourhood I have never ran in. (let alone ever been in) HA! Got a little lost. Then sorted it out and got back to the big hill we climbed up to get there. And then I ripped down the hill. Felt good. Felt back on track.
But that nagging voice reminded me I was really off the pace I wanted to be. 16km down...ok. 9 more to go...But I just felt so friggin felt tired. Had a gel. (And I had had good energy the first bit and was well hydrated and had taken in energy...so it wasn't that). But then I fell off pace. AGAIN.
And then good ol fatty voice joined up. You know. I had quite the convo. That I have no business trying to run a marathon when I cannot keep up to a group running a fairly slow pace (6:45-7 minute kilometres). You are NOWHERE near the shape you need to be to be running a marathon. An for months, I have told fatty voice to STFU. But today, that shadow won.
She defeated me with 6km to go.
I had a seat on a bench and had a cry. Then I looked up and saw....some graffiti!
I forgot how that made me laugh the first time i spied it on a run!
OK. Lady get up off your arse. Keep running.
And I pass more awesome graffitti
This will be the ONLY croc we ever see up here in Calgary!
Buuuuuuuuuuuuut...my running partner didnt stop her incessant bitching. My legs hurt. My arm hurts (what????). My knee hurts (It never does, shut UUUP). My earbud is pinchy. I think behind my knee is seizing. My seam is rubbing and I have ass chafe. JESUS. Oh yes. IT was QUITE the convo!
And then I finished. And as i ran to my car I just felt overwhelmed with defeat and consumed by failure. And cried for 15 minutes in the car. And then after a few pointed texts from a couple of wise pals (thank you Susan and Cori for your no bullshit ass smack), I got out of car...walked up block and snapped a photo. to say F You Fatty Voice. I finished this in spite of you. I am DONE. The smile seemed fake. But dammit, I was pretty happy to be done that run.
I got home. Drank some chocolate milk, had two slices of toast with Peanut Butter and yummy raspberry jam! And made a bit pot of oolong tea. And stretched out a bit.
And then proceeded to get in the tub for an hour.
So essentially that run was not the greatest. But it was a run.
And I just need to move on.
My birthday (don't ask how old, that is RUDE) is around the corner.
Maybe that is also the reason for a little BSC (bat shit crazy) on today's run??
But really age is a number.
Plus maybe my immaturity belies my age!
And, well, I don't look too bad for turning 46.
There. I Said. It. *shudder*
And, I have a great weekend planned. Actually I have NOTHING planned except that I am in Vancouver for 4 nights to celebrate my BIG day and run a half marathon (is that my 27th halfmara?). I wanna see a few sights. And have sushi. And coffee. And a cupcake. And get my zen on. And enjoy the ocean breeze.
So All I could think of was that please do not let my race be like this run! hahahaha
And then as I soaked in the tub, I thought long and hard on HOW it FELT to run in California.
AND THAT is what race day is gonna be like.
It. Is. Going. To. Be. FUN!!
And fatty voice is NOT invited to the party.